What America wants

So two missing phones in Iraq are used for porn and gambling: proof that capitalism has won the battle for hearts and minds Marina HydeTuesday March 7, 2006The Guardian With good news stories out of Baghdad in such short supply that the coalition recently resorted to paying the local press to feature them, our government's reaction to the theft of two foreign office satellite phones seems baffling in the extreme. To recap briefly: two of the devices went missing in Iraq at a time no one seems able to pinpoint, and it was only after bills of £594,000 had been run up that the FO discovered they had been used to run sex phonelines and betting scams. Bewilderingly, this is being treated as some kind of embarrassment. Article continues Yet what more encouraging indicator is there that Iraq is embracing the civilised western values Messrs Bush and Blair were so anxious to impose on it than news that the fledgling democracy has already evolved to this advanced stage of what we might call late capitalism: namely, a highly developed adult entertainment industry, and the spirited drive to induce gambling problems in the populace? Freedom-wise, forget hearts and minds. Everyone knows groins and pockets is where it's at. Downtown Baghdad naturally has yet to reach the heights - or indeed the depths - of the San Fernando valley, the Los Angeles suburb known as the pornography capital of the world and which contributes billions of tax dollars a year to the US kitty. But watching Iraq take its first teetering steps on a journey that we know ends in Red Hot Forty Plus - well, the PM ought to be weeping public tears of pride, as opposed to getting in a tizz about a phone bill. Pretty soon we'll be able to take off the Iraqi people's stabilisers and marvel as the line representing their electoral turnout begins its sharp descent, in exact counterpoint to the line representing the number of Temptation Island reruns being watched in the region. Clearly, they are currently far too interested in politics, so the sooner the debate shifts to whether or not the first Iraqi Big Brother contestants will have sex live on TV, the better. Nothing says "healthy capitalism" like porn and numbers scams, and anyone who missed that underplayed section in the Wealth of Nations is directed towards the example of the internet. Sure, it may have been developed originally as a robust communications system that would survive Soviet attack. But how in the main has western humankind chosen to utilise the invention? By allowing it to assist them in their seemingly unending search for topless photographs of Britney Spears. Of course, when you don't live in a democracy, the internet has other more elevated uses, which accounts for the dismay that greeted Google's recent decision to offer a politically censored version of its search engine to China. But in places where freedom is taken for granted, you can bet your last dollar (quite literally: there'll be a click-through) that "Tiananmen Square" doesn't exactly top out the most popular search terms. I'd imagine it comes a close 98,000th to the likes of "Angelina naked" and "free shemale pics". And when the great dawn of Chinese democracy finally comes, one suspects that people will forget all about how hard won it was and idle away their days searching for pictures of Scarlett Johansson's nipple escaping from her dress on the red carpet, or low-resolution videos of women breastfeeding cats. But to quote Dubya's historic hand-scrawled note which marked last year's official Iraqi handover: let freedom reign! If the coalition leaders really want to accentuate the positive, they should incorporate into their speeches a celebration of this burgeoning trend in the nations they have liberated. They're hardly shy in other areas. During his visit to Pakistan last week, President Bush was at great pains to cheerlead the progress Afghanistan had made since he ceased bombing it. "I was thrilled to see firsthand the incredible transformation that has taken place there," he said. "We like stories of young girls going to school for the first time so they can realise their full potential." Returning later to the theme, he reiterated: "We like stories, and expect stories, of young girls going to school in Afghanistan ..." Should the country's transition to American values continue unimpeded (and you might get temptingly long odds on that on certain internet betting exchanges), then it would be cheering if next time he could focus on any startling advances that may have taken hold in either of the key growth sectors mentioned above. "Five years ago," he might explain portentously, "Afghanistan's adult phoneline industry did not exist. After all, what is the point of asking someone what she is wearing when the answer is always 'a blue burkha'? Today, thanks to Operation Tell Me We're Not Still Here, this hugely symbolic sector of the economy is thriving, and that burkha has become blue underwear, or blue fluffy handcuffs. We like stories like this. We like them and expect them. And our Afghan brothers and sisters should take pride in that ..." Indeed, why stop there? In Iraq, he and Mr Blair could purchase late-night television advertising spots, perhaps panning over the San Fernando valley and billed as a five-minute freeview of capitalist democracy. "You can see much more of me if you subscribe," their seductive voiceover would run, "so get dialling. The nature of this service will not appear on your bank statement or telephone bill." Although, given the FO are paying that for you, this may not be a concern.